when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
I love how my cats smell like pot.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
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