I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
And my dad told him he was a great looking guy. and then added "no homo" after.
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
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Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
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Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
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