If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
Your topless pictures make me question reality
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
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