Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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