when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
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I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
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There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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