I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
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he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
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Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
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