She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
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