Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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