Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
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Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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