Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
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She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
At least your nickname is not Plunge Slut and that nickname is not in a published thesis work
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
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