Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
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Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
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Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
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