Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
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He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
The air was thick with penises
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
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I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
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