Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
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Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
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It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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