WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
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We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
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