he just referred to himself as the billy mays of his frat.. heres how to order
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
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I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
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My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize