I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
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I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
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Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
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