It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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