I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
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