When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
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