I've blown a few things in my day
epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
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