I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
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