Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
I think my fart just growled at me.
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
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