Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
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Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
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I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
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