Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
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Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
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I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
Randomize