so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
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You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
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