I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
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I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
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Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
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