dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
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Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
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