My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
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Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
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The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
i repeatedly had to ask him if he was into this because he kept talking about random things while i jerked him off. i got annoyed and in order to annoy him back, i told him i wanted to watch him do it. he also talked about basketball WHILE cumming. NEVER AGAIN.
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
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