God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
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She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
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What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
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