if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
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we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
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Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
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