I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
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