Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
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And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
You dont lie about slip and slides
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That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
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