I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
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you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
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you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
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