Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
please don't ironically join a cult
Randomize