if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize