I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
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Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
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I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
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