i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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