would you consider him our boss?
technically yes
then technically i slept with our boss
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
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I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
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My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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