please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
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Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
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Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
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