somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
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I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
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In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
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