The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
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he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
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No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
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