Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
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