I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
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Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
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When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
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