he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize