bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
His penis is average but his stamina is amazing!!! I didn’t know I had that many orgasms in my body!!!!
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