There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
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I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
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Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
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