So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
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I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
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I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
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