so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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