He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
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Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
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I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
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