I used to practice getting hit by cars.
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
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No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
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